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(A Biblical View of Cohabitation)
by Samuel E. Ward
Introduction
I remember being in situations when I was younger (much younger) in which the girls I was playing with wanted to "play house." Now, I was alright with "playing school", generally, but "playing house" always made me a bit uncomfortable. I think it was that in the "playing house" game I was a mere pawn being directed to do this or that and all the chores involved in the game turned out to be more work than the ones I was assigned to in real life.
It is little wonder that as soon as possible I would announce that I had to "go to work." What became the challenge is that once I left to "go to work", I didn't know what to do. I knew that my dad always went to work every day, stayed away all day, and finally came home looking very tired. But as a child, I never knew from what. I also knew that whatever he did made him too tired to do any chores around the house and too tired to play, as well.
All the while, my mom (or my stepmother) seemed to be working from the time she got up until the time she went to bed and rarely did I ever hear her say she was "too tired" to do more work. So, you see, "playing house" did not hold much attraction for me. I'd rather play something else.
When it comes to "cohabitation" (for the purposes of this message it means living as a married couple without a legal commitment), I view this as merely "playing house", too. Either party can quit playing the game whenever they want without any consequences other than being free of responsibility and able to move on to play the game with someone else.
More couples are opting for living together before marriage. Michael Foust of the Baptist Press quotes from a book by Mike and Harriet McManus.
The number of cohabitating couples has soared in recent decades, from about 439,000 in 1960 to more than 5 million today. About 10 percent of couples who married between 1965 and 1974 lived together before marriage. Today, that number is more than 50 percent.[i]
Koinonia House, in article published in its "ezine", stated the following.
The surprise is not that large numbers of human beings are treating their sexual relationships loosely, but that Christians are doing it too. Not only are plenty of Christians sleeping and living together outside of a marriage relationship, but many think it's perfectly okay to do so. Yet, while nobody wants to live a life burdened by legalism, the Bible is very clear about the importance of self control and of one man and one woman committing to each other for life.[ii]
There was a time not long ago (only a few decades, in fact) when living together was a scandal. How has this come to be so acceptable? Here are some of the reasons offered as advantages to cohabitating before marrying.:
1. It offers financial benefits (for example, the pooling of incomes, and avoidance of paying higher income taxes)
2. It provides companionship.
3. It's a way to test compatibility before tying the knot.
4. It promises a more even split of the housework than that carried out by married couples.[iii]
One can find more reasons in the literature which claim to be advantages to living together but they are basically variations of the reasons just offered. What does Scripture say, if anything, about the issue? Does God have purposes for marriage that cohabitation bypasses and leaves partners unprotected from things that happen when there is no commitment? Consider the following.
I. Jesus Evidently Had a Problem with Cohabitation, John 4:11-18
A. Jesus Makes an Offer: Eternal Life, John 4:7-15
John 4:7-15 (NIV) 7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)
9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)
10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."
11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"
13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."
B. Jesus Reveals an Obstacle: A Lifestyle Choice that Reveals a Cavalier Attitude Toward Morality, John 4:16-18
John 4:16-18 (NIV) 16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."
17"I have no husband," she replied.
Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."
Merill C. Tenney comments on these verses in the Expositor's Bible Commentary:
1. Verses 16-17, Jesus' request to call her husband was both proper and strategic--proper because it was not regarded as good etiquette for a woman to talk with a man unless her husband were present; strategic because it placed her in a dilemma from which she could not free herself without admitting her need. She had no husband she could call, and she would not want to confess her sexual irregularities to a stranger. The abruptness of her reply shows that she was at last emotionally touched.
2. Verse 18, Jesus shocked the woman when he lifted the curtain on her past life. The conversation had passed from the small-talk stage to the personal. Her evil deeds were being exposed by the light, but was she willing to acknowledge the truth?[iv]
The purpose of Jesus' drawing back the curtain on this woman's personal life was to reveal behavior that proved her need for a Savior, someone who could forgive her sin and help her break its cycle. So far, her relationships have rife with marriages and divorces and then apparently a decision to not even bother with the pretense of marriage by opting with cohabitation. Until she was ready to deal with these issues, her opportunity to drink from the Living Well might pass her by unless she is able to choose Christ's way over her own. Fortunately, the context of the passage gives us every reason to believe that she accepted Christ's way.
II. God Instituted Marriage as a Covenant Relationship
A. God Removes His Blessing When the Marriage Covenant Is Violated, Mal 2:12-15
Malachi 2:12-14 ( NIV ) 12As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD cut him off from the tents of Jacob—even though he brings offerings to the LORD Almighty. 13Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.
14You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
B. The Existence of Bills of Divorcement Give Evidence of Marriage Covenants
1. Deuteronmy 24:1-4 indicates that a release from the marriage covenant could be accomplished with a bill of divorcement under certain conditions (indecency related to sexual impropriety).
Deuteronomy 24:1,4 (NIV) 1If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, . . . 4then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled.
Note should be taken that the divorced wife in whom indecency was found in this hypothetical was not summarily stoned to death but actually remarried and a second bill of divorcement was served against her. Nothing is said about her not being able to remarry again except not to her first husband.
Jesus recognizes the existence of bills of divorcement, without offering a blanket approval of them, making it a sin to divorce for any other reason except marital unfaithfulness (Gk, porneia), Mat 5:31-32.
Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV) 31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
2. Mark 10:4-5 indicates that release from marriage covenants were due to mankind's stubbornness to make things right and to reconcile. For that reason alone did God allow Moses to institute a law allowing divorce.
Mark 10:4-5 (NIV) 4They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied.
3. Mark 10:6-9 communicates God's intention that marriage be a lifetime commitment and that it was so from the beginning of creation.
Mark 10:6-9 (NIV) 6"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 7'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
C. God's Commits Himself to Mankind, Nations, and Individuals by Means of Covenants.
1. Noah
2. Abraham
3. Isaac
4. Jacob
5. Israel
6. David
7. The Church and believers
III. The Marriage Vows (Covenant) Reflects the Biblical Values of a Committed Marriage Relationship
A. "I take you to be my wife": Rev 21:2-3
Revelation 21:2-3 (NIV) 2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.
This is the ultimate end of all history, that God should choose and then provide an eternal abiding place for His bride where He and she (the Church) will dwell forever together.
B. "To have and to hold from this day forward": Heb 13:5-6
Hebrews 13:5-6 (NIV) 5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 6So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
God has promised to be our source of help and aid when we need it. So we must be for our mates. They need to know the security of a committed relationship that will stand the test of time and circumstances. Our mates should never fear that we would leave them but that we would be especially near and supportive in times of need.
C. "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer": Luke 22:41-43
Luke 22:41-44 (NIV) 41He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 43An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. 44And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.
Christ said that He could have called twelve legions of angels to deliver Him from the ordeal of the cross, but His suffering was necessary for our salvation. Sometimes we must bear suffering for the sake of our mates in order to meet their needs. There is no place for selfishness in a marriage relationship.
D. "In sickness and in health": Eph 5:28-29
Ephesians 5:29-32 (NIV) 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
This feeding and caring may become more than just providing for food, clothing, and shelter, but quite literally feeding and caring for your mate should they become unable to care for themselves.
E. "To love and to cherish unto death do us part" Eph 5:25
As far as Christ is concerned, since death is not the end of the relationship, His love continues throughout eternity.
Ephesians 5:25 (NIV) 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Consider
1. Cohabiting couples had the lowest level of wealth among household types, comparable to families headed by a single mother. Two-parent families and stepfamilies had the highest level of wealth.[v]
2. Men in cohabiting relationships were less likely to support their partners financially than married men.[vi]
3. Women in cohabiting relationships are more than twice as likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse.{ Another study found that women in cohabiting relationships are nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships.[vii]
4.Men often enter the relationship with less intention to marry than do women. They may regard it more as a sexual opportunity without the ties of long-term commitment. Women, however, often see the living arrangement as a step toward eventual marriage. So while the women may believe they are headed for marriage, the man has other ideas. Some men actually resent the women they live with and view them as "easy."[viii]
5. Cohabitation is especially harmful to children. First, several studies have found that children currently living with a mother and her unmarried partner have significantly more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children in intact families. Second, there is the risk that the couple will break up creating even more social and personal difficulties. Third, many of these children were not born in the present union but in a previous union of one of the adult partners (usually the mother). Living in a house with a mother and an unmarried boyfriend is tenuous at best. Legal claims to child support and other sources of family income are absent.[ix]
6. Sex outside of marriage is sin, even among consenting adults because it takes the most intimate gift a person can offer another and turns it into just another recreational activity, entertainment without strings.
1 Corinthians 6:13 ( NIV ) 13"Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
You see, the use of our bodies is not absolutely ours. The body is for God and is purposes. God's purpose for body relative to sex is that if it is not with your husband or wife, it is an immoral act.
7. Cohabitation without marriage is a fraud perpetrated on those who will not know they have been victimized until they discover that in cohabitation relationships, no one has committed themselves. . .
a. To be anyone's wife or husband.
b. To have and to hold from any day forward.
c. To stay around when things get worse and the debts pile up.
d. To care for anyone who gets sick and requires dedicated attention to their needs.
e. To hang around if one's romantic feelings wear off and someone else starts looking better.
f. Share one's property and wealth with someone you no longer care about, even if there are children involved.
All these things require a covenant between the parties—a vow before God and man to live as husband and wife according to God's plan.
[i] Mike and Harriet McManus, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers, (Howard Books), 2008.
[ii] "Christians and Cohabitation", Koinonia House, June 16, 2009 eNews issue.
[iii] Yvonne K. Fulbright, Fox News Report, Friday, May 09, 2008
[iv] Merrill C. Tenney, The Expositor's New Testament Commentary: New Testament, "The Gospel of John", Zondervan Reference Software, Version 2.6, 1989-1998.
[viii] Ibid
